You Don’t Need a Special Occasion: Curating Your Own Dopamine

Part One of a series on finding pleasure without sabotaging the life you’re trying to build.

We talk a lot about dopamine.

Dopamine from shopping.
Dopamine from scrolling.
Dopamine from food.
Dopamine from alcohol.
Dopamine from gambling.
Dopamine from attention.
Dopamine from that Amazon package you probably forgot you ordered until it showed up at the door.

And none of those things automatically make you a bad person.

But sometimes we get so used to big, fast rewards that we forget how to create smaller moments of pleasure in our everyday lives.

Sometimes you don't need another purchase.

You need to make the life you already have feel a little better.

Curate the ordinary.

One of the easiest ways to create small moments of pleasure is to intentionally change your environment.

Not renovate it.

Not redecorate the entire house.

Not go spend $300 at Target in the name of "self-care."

Just curate it.

Light the candle you've been saving.

Open the blinds and let some sunlight in.

Turn off the overhead light and turn on the lamps.

Put your drink in the cute glass.

Sit on the patio instead of the couch.

Play music while you're cooking.

Put fresh sheets on the bed in the middle of the week.

Clean off one surface that has been bothering you.

Move your chair near the window.

Take your laptop outside.

Put flowers from the grocery store—or flowers from your own yard—in a vase.

Use the good dishes.

Burn the incense.

Turn your bathroom into a mini spa for 20 minutes.

You'd be surprised how differently your brain experiences something familiar when you change the setting.

And sometimes, curate yourself.

There is also something to be said for deciding that you are the occasion.

Wear the earrings.

Put on the lipstick.

Spray the expensive perfume before you sit down to watch TV.

Put on the dress even though you're only going to brunch.

Wear the nice watch on a regular Wednesday.

Iron the shirt.

Get a fresh haircut or line-up and actually put on the outfit you've been saving.

Wear the cologne.

Put on the sneakers you don't want to "mess up."

Fix your beard.

Put on the chain.

Wear the good jacket.

There doesn't always have to be somewhere important to go.

Sometimes changing how you present yourself changes how you experience the day.

And I think we underestimate that.

We've been taught to save so much of our lives for special occasions.

The good candles.

The good wine glasses.

The dress.

The shoes.

The perfume.

The restaurant.

The nice tablecloth.

The china somebody gave us 15 years ago that has somehow never met a piece of food.

We're waiting for something to happen before we give ourselves permission to enjoy what we already have.

What if being alive on a random Tuesday was enough of an occasion?

Give your brain something to look forward to.

Pleasure doesn't always have to come from the thing itself. Sometimes it comes from anticipation.

Create small things to look forward to.

Friday night patio time.

Saturday morning coffee with no phone for the first 30 minutes.

A new walking route after work.

Your favorite show and a snack you've already got at home.

A long shower, fresh pajamas and clean sheets tonight.

Calling the friend who always makes you laugh.

Going to the library and picking out a book.

Taking yourself to a park you've never visited.

Making a playlist specifically for your commute home.

Trying a new recipe.

Watching the sunset.

Moving your workout outside.

Having breakfast for dinner.

Taking the scenic route.

None of these things are particularly dramatic.

That's the point.

We don't need every pleasurable experience to be a high.

Sometimes we just need more things in our lives that feel good.

Create novelty without creating a bill.

Our brains like newness.

Unfortunately, capitalism is very good at convincing us that "new" means buy something.

But novelty can be free.

Move the furniture around.

Listen to a different genre of music.

Take a different route home.

Try a new hairstyle.

Eat dinner somewhere besides the kitchen table.

Explore a neighborhood you've never walked through.

Try a free community event.

Cook something you've never made.

Go somewhere alone that you normally wait for someone else to do with you.

Change your workout playlist.

Have coffee outside.

Watch a documentary about something you know absolutely nothing about.

Do something slightly different.

Sometimes your brain isn't asking you to spend money.

It's asking you to break the monotony.

Before you reach for the quick hit, ask one question.

When you suddenly want to shop, pour another drink, place a bet, order food you weren't hungry for, or scroll for another hour, try getting curious before judging yourself.

What am I actually looking for right now?

Am I bored?

Do I need stimulation?

Do I want comfort?

Am I lonely?

Do I need something to look forward to?

Do I want to feel attractive?

Do I need a change of scenery?

Am I trying to avoid something?

Do I need rest?

Do I just want to feel something different than what I'm feeling right now?

Because once you identify the need, you have more choices about how you meet it.

Maybe the answer really is, "I want the shoes."

Okay.

But maybe what you actually wanted was novelty.

Or excitement.

Or beauty.

Or connection.

Or a little reward after a long week.

And there may be ten ways to give yourself that feeling without doing something that works against the goals you've been working so hard to reach.

Make your life easier to enjoy.

This isn't about eliminating everything pleasurable.

I don't want us walking around terrified of dopamine.

And I'm definitely not suggesting that lighting a candle magically fixes depression, addiction, financial stress, loneliness, or a life that genuinely needs changing.

This is much smaller than that.

It's about becoming more intentional about where your pleasure comes from.

Because if the only ways you know how to reward yourself involve spending money, consuming something, escaping something, or getting validation from somebody else, your options become very limited.

Let's expand the menu.

Create beauty.

Create novelty.

Create anticipation.

Create connection.

Create movement.

Create comfort.

Create accomplishment.

Create moments that make you think:

Oh. This feels nice.

No special occasion required.

In Between Sessions

This week, notice what you instinctively reach for when you want to feel better, different, excited, comforted, or rewarded.

Then ask yourself:

What feeling am I trying to create?

And before you buy something new, see if you can create that feeling with something you already have.

Light the candle.

Put on the watch.

Open the patio door.

Turn the music up.

Pour the sparkling water into the fancy glass.

Put on a little lipstick just because.

Make yourself a good cup of coffee.

Wear the shirt.

Sit somewhere different.

Call somebody who makes you laugh.

You don't always need another thing.

Sometimes you just need to curate the moment.

We're doing the work over here.

— Kela